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To Be Honest

Re-organize the office. File the stack of mail on the kitchen island. Reorganize the file drawers…. What else? Clean the litter boxes. Empty the dishwasher…. Finish the laundry that’s been in the dryer for two days.… Work on writing projects.... Read the rest of Max and the Spice Thieves and write that book review I should have finished weeks ago.

Part of me thinks that I should just blow it all off. Just everything. Stay in bed all day. It would be so much easier, wouldn’t it? Uncontrollable circumstances delayed my plans to read the book and write the review…. But now that it’s been several weeks since I promised I would do it, and I haven’t even finished reading the book, I feel like I should just ignore it. But I made the promise. AND I really wanted to do it. It’s not my fault I was delayed. I could still send it in. But… I can’t do any work in the office because we moved all those boxes and bookshelves up there and I need to organize it so that it will be a functioning workspace again…. And I can wear theses sweats another day. I’ll do laundry tomorrow. It’s not like there’s anywhere to go.

To be brutally honest, I’m struggling.

I argue with myself constantly about what I need to do or what I want to do and why I should do “stuff,” trying to figure out why my body and mind won’t agree. Way down deep inside my gut I know I will feel better, even relieved, if I just make myself do the many tasks that taunt me. Even the simple, everyday chores wait in line for my undivided attention.

Finding motivation seems like a task in and of itself.

Finally, I had to be honest with myself. I’ve been dealing with depression since my mother-in-law passed away in early December. Ignoring this fact is neither practical nor effective. And I don’t think I’ve really dealt with depression on this level before, so it’s been harder to admit. Anxiety has been a mostly well-managed part of my life for a long time, but feeling depressed has usually been very mild and short-lived. When I fought myself to “get through” the chore of decorating for Christmas, something I normally found joyful and exciting, I realized I needed help.

Yes, I’ve talked with my therapist and my doctor, and I am doing much better now than I was a couple of weeks ago. But trying to make myself get back into a routine has been like facing Mount Everest without the necessary climbing gear. I know what I need to do to feel better, but I feel less than prepared to tackle the tasks at hand.

Perhaps part of this struggle that plagues me is a side effect of living through a pandemic. I know it hasn’t been easy for any of us, especially for those who have been directly affected by COVID-19. Many have lost income or jobs or homes or family members. And celebrating the Holidays without the normal family gatherings has been surreal at best. But it’s life right now. All we can do is take one day at a time, look ahead, and keep moving forward.

That’s my goal for 2021, to keep moving forward one day, one step at a time. It will get better!

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