The Degrees of "No!" (Part 2)

My last post was an introduction to the topic of how to teach children, even at very young ages (under 4), that it is okay to say “No” to an individual when their personal boundaries are being crossed or violated. As parents, we want children to show respect to their elders while allowing them the right to refuse physical affection if it makes them uncomfortable. We don’t want our children to tell their parents “No” when they are being asked to do something like picking up their toys. At the same time, we want our children to know that it’s okay to tell anybody, including a parent or trusted family member or friend, “No” when their personal boundaries are being crossed or violated.

The intent of my first post was to start a discussion about how to help children understand when saying “No” is okay and when it is disrespectful. I specifically asked some direct questions to my niece, Miranda Hanan, who has two small children, a one-year-old and a three-year-old. Miranda and her husband, Josiah, have made very different parenting choices from what they were raised under. Many of us (and I’m sure I speak for a large percentage of individuals here) can identify at least one parenting choice or decision made by our own parents that we strive not to replicate. But breaking such a mold is easier said than done.

The Hanans have successfully started raising their young family using very different parenting strategies than they were raised under. Miranda pointed out some very common forms of punishment that she and her husband wanted to avoid, describing being yelled at, spanked, or hit as a “horrific experience…. I never, ever wanted to make another person feel that way.” Then she added, “I have always been extremely sensitive and empathetic and looked forward to raising children and seeing them for exactly who they were in both the good AND bad moments.”

Most importantly, Miranda emphasizes that she wants her children to trust her and know she is someone they can talk to if they make a mistake, rather than have the mindset, “Oh man, I made such a big mistake. My mom is going to kill me!” 

I know I remember thinking that when I was growing up, too. Being afraid of our parents was part of our normal. We weren't taught to understand the difference between respect and blind obedience.

Miranda offers these tips that she and her husband use with their children.

1. Don’t keep secrets. A secret means to tell mom and dad! Instead, she recommends using the word “surprise.”
2. Teach them every single part of their body. Miranda explained, “I noticed a lot of my friends would teach words like “arm, knee, elbow, or chin” but not words like “vulva, scrotum, labia, or perineum…. Statistics have proven that if an attempted abuser knows that the child knows their body parts, they will NOT continue grooming them or begin to abuse them.”[1]
3. Teach them about sex (using age-appropriate language) starting at a very young age. “My daughter could explain, in the right terminology, how a baby is conceived before she was three.”
4. Never make them do anything they aren’t comfortable with, “or we ask first.” This includes something as simple as playful tickling, or a hug or kiss, even to relatives. “If she is laughing and we’re chasing or tickling her and she laughs and says ‘no’ or ‘stop,’ the game is IMMEDIATELY over. We teach that those are powerful words, even if everyone is laughing.”

Miranda is fascinated by childhood education and psychology and uses some of her free time to read trusted authors like Shifali Tsabury, Daniel Siegel and Tiny Bryson, Michaleen Doucleff, and Brene Brown. While she uses social media (primarily Instagram) for business purposes, Miranda emphasizes, “I don’t follow any social media accounts on parenting because I need total truth to base off of. And I want my parenting to be mine, not someone else’s!”

In closing, Miranda shared, “Our home is filled with an abundance of love, little feet running across the floor, music light, so much laughter and togetherness. It took years for me to relearn everything I was ever taught, but WOW has it been worth it!”

Thank you, Miranda and Josiah, for sharing your parenting insights! You are truly a blessing!

(I plan to write one final post on this topic that will include additional thoughts from friends and family members as well as more links to books and other resources to help make a difference in the safety of our children.)

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[1] I do not know the direct source for this statistic, but I did find many resources for the prevention of child sexual abuse that name teaching children proper names for all their body parts, including their private parts, as one of the key factors to help keep their children safe. See The National Child Traumatic Stress Network for more information.