The Enemy Within

Second guessing. Why do we, as human beings, second guess our own judgement? I say “we” because I’m sure that the general majority of people suffer this same insecurity as me. For example, I’m terrible at any multiple-choice exam. “Trust your gut” the teachers would say when trying to help students pass a quiz or test. Why is it so difficult to allow my first instinct to be the final answer? Please just give me an essay and everything will be perfect! Or trying to buy gifts for Christmas. How many should I buy for? Should I buy gifts or give cash? Will my daughter want something for her house or something for herself? What does her husband like? What about my sons and their loves? It’s the thought that counts, right? So why can’t I trust my first thought to be adequate enough?

This overthinking phenomenon plays a heavy role in many aspects of my life. Especially lately. Should I go to the store today? We’re almost out of milk and bread and laundry soap and dinners for next week. If I wait a few more days will it be safer to go out? Will I be more protected from the virus if I wait? Or if I go now? Then, let’s say I decide to go out to the store. Should I wear a mask? I don’t have one. Should I make one? I saw a tutorial for masks on Facebook. It looks simple enough, maybe I should try to make a face mask. Should I wear gloves? I did buy a small package at the store last time I went. Maybe I’ll just order some groceries and have them delivered. (If you’ve been reading my blogs you already know how that fiasco turned out.)

Even starting this blogsite was a mental battle of ifs and whats and whys and hows. Should I start writing a blog? I feel like I should. I want to. What should I call it? What will I write about? Will I be able to keep at it? Stick with it? What if somebody doesn’t like what I write? How will I design it? What blogging, writing, or journaling website should I use? Should I invest money in it? If I spend money and don’t stick with it, then I’m wasting money. There are quite a few free options out there. How good are they? Are they easy to figure out and use?

Isn’t this exhausting?

Obviously, I did finally decide to make a website. I decided that I needed to create it from my own angle, my own vision, my own passion, because otherwise it wouldn’t succeed. I decided that it shouldn’t matter if people read my posts or like my topics or approve of the designs, or any of those other things. What matters is that I just do it. And I’m so glad I did! 

I found out yesterday that somebody who I don’t know found one of my blog posts helpful. It was one of my first posts about my past experience with virtual learning. I knew many fellow students who were worried about being able to finish the year successfully in this abrupt new online format, so I thought I’d offer some advice to anybody who might happen to see it. 

This person who was helped by my blog works with my sister, and just happened to be telling my sister about something her roommate suggested she read, and it helped motivate her to stick to the new online format prescribed by her instructors. Okay, so I helped one person. Some people may think, big deal! (There I go overthinking again.) But I almost didn’t start the blog, period. I almost didn’t write about a topic that my gut-instinct told me I should. Thanks for reading!